My Testimony

A few weeks ago on a Sunday night, we had what our preacher called "Testimony Night," where we all had the chance to share a short version of our testimony. Several awesome members of our church shared their stories, including my husband. I was surprised that he spoke but not at all surprised with how well he did. He's got a gift for getting his point across in the most honest way. As he shared how he became a Christian in the most genuine tone, I felt so proud to be his wife. I, however, couldn't get up the courage to speak. I am not at all afraid of public speaking-- I think to be a teacher at any grade level, you have to be somewhat of a "ham" :)-- but I couldn't find the words to share my testimony that night. However, God is laying it on my heart to write it out. Perhaps He knew that I'd need to BACKSPACE and re-word 100 things until it looked right, so He kept me from stumbling and mumbling in front of the church that night. Here goes nothing though:

I was saved as a very young child at the age of 6. You may be thinking that that seems very young to know what kind of commitment being a Christian requires, but I really understood it. I have an old soul--always have. So I knew that night when I spoke to my mother that I wanted to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, that I was forgiven of my sins by His dying on the cross for us, and that I wanted to ask Him into my heart. Then, with child-like faith and an zeal for following Jesus, we rocked on through the next 8-9 years. I had a great childhood that could probably be described as the Poster Life for the "Southern Baptist Middle-Upper Income Family." Mom taught Sunday school, Dad was a deacon and sang in the choir, and I was in every program there ever was at church. Church musical- check. Bible drill-got the medal. Summer camps, Mother's Day Outs, and VBSs all consumed my young life, and it was great! I'm sure it wasn't perfect, but looking back at it now, it certainly seems pretty ideal.

In early high school, the record scratched, and the fairytale music that had been the soundtrack to my life thus far stopped abruptly. My parents, who had been my rock and foundation for 15 years of my life, started having very serious trouble in their marriage. My first thought was, "Lord, you've made a mistake. I'm sure you meant to hit someone else with this trial. We go to church every Sunday. No, scratch that, we are at church all the time! These things don't happen to people who go to church all the time. I'm sure you meant to hit that family over there who missed last week with this...it's fine. Just make sure you fix it soon." As the reality set in that this trial would not be leaving our family any time soon, I felt very confused and very sad. This was the first time that God and I had disagreed about the direction of my life. I began to feel angry with Him. I began to pull myself away. Over the next few years of a very messy separated/back-together roller coaster, I "built this testimony." Granted, I didn't do anything that would shock anyone. My "wild phase" was PG at best because the good Lord instilled such a hefty conscience in me that I'm literally incapable of doing too many scary things. In fact, the only lasting effect of this phase is a scar from a belly button ring that I had for TWO months before realizing that "I am not a girl that has a belly button ring." SIDE NOTE: it is now the most prominent scar on my 9 month pregnant belly, and I am a walking Sunday School lesson. However, while I was out having my PG fun, I was completely ignoring God's plans for me, and I was useless in bringing others to Him. My anger at Him and confusion with my circumstances had killed the fervor for spreading God's love that had once filled my six year old heart. Praise the Lord for a God who is so big that He can not only take our anger but also can lead us in His will even when we are kicking and screaming in defiance. For in my years of building my testimony, I ran across a boy at LC who was also having some testimony-building fun for his own reasons. This was the first wonderful thing that came from stopping the music. He, too, was cursed with a big heart and big conscience, so we became good friends, and God probably just laughed and laughed at us as we continued to think we were being rebellious with our PG college years, all the while following God's plan exactly.

On November 19, 2008, I found out that the reason for my parent's problems rooted in an indiscretion by my father. I was walking home from a Biology Lab on LSU's campus, and I remember feeling a weird mix of heartbreak and clarity upon hearing this news. There was finally a tangible diagnosis for the yuck that we'd been experiencing over the past few years, but that diagnosis was terminal. That diagnosis came with the knowledge that my family wasn't going to be a family any longer. So, the anger with God only grew. Why in the world would this happen to OUR family? Again, I thought, "Lord, men who have affairs aren't deacons. Men who have affairs aren't someone's 'Daddy' ." However, as one of many lessons I've learned throughout this struggle, I know now that the Devil is real, and he receives the most joy when he turns one of God's own away from His Will and from doing His work.

Over the next few years, I came to terms with my parent's situation and God pulled me out of the college years using that same cute boy from LC that had become a good friend. We married young for today's world and have been privileged to grow up and out of our "wild" time together. S taught me about unconditional love and showed me that God still works miracles and makes truly wonderful men. I thank the Lord every time I look at him because he was a large part of my healing.

The next part of healing and understanding came during my student teaching. One of my third graders came to me one day crying because she had to go to her Dad's that weekend, and she was sad that she'd be leaving her mom. She didn't dislike her dad, but she was sad that her dad's house and her mom's house weren't the same. A tidal wave of true empathy and compassion washed over me, and the Lord hit me with a "This Is Why" moment. I realized that I wouldn't have felt for her so much before going through my own problems in this area. I wouldn't have known how big the hug needed to be or had the words to say to comfort her. Since that initial encounter, there have been countless other moments when I am reminded that my struggles have helped shape me into the educator and hopefully counselor one day that I needed to be. They have given me the strength to hear the tough things that my school kids are going through and meet them on a helpful level. I think I would've been too naive to be helpful if I hadn't gone through something hard myself.

I also learned through this experience that marriage is not to be taken lightly. Because we did get married young, we are automatically in a group of statistics that do not favor success. However, because of S's wonderful family foundation, he was more than ready for the commitment of marriage. I also approached our marriage with a severity and determination for it to work that was uncharacteristic of most my age. Therefore, I feel that I don't take some things for granted that I might have before walking through the hardest trial of my life thus far.

Through my parent's divorce, I learned empathy, compassion, and how to truly love someone. Granted, I learned these lessons against my own will, fighting tooth and nail to hang onto to the "picture-perfect" life I had before. However, God has shown me that He always knows best. I know exactly who I would've been if my parents had not divorced. I would've been a good Christian, but I don't think I would truly comprehend the awesome power of a God who delivers us from trials, who teaches us amazing lessons through perseverance, and who sits with us during our anger and confusion with Him and tells us that He loves us more than we could ever imagine.

Perhaps you're struggling right now. Your struggle might be much worse that what I went through, but let me promise you that God has a reason. Even when we can't see it, God is working. God is holding your hand and leading you through your trial. Even if you're so angry at Him, you can't see straight. Tell Him about it. He can take it, and He already knows that anyway. Stay close to Him, and He'll reveal His awesome will for you. Chances are that you'll come out on the other side a better version of yourself because you've now been molded by the Ultimate Potter. " Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 

So there you have it. Fellow church members, aren't you glad I didn't share on that Testimony Night? I would've gone way over my time limit. :)